Oh, what a horrible few days it's been.
First, my sister was deliberately excluded from Christmas dinner with the family. now, they had a good reason, and I actually agree with it, however - they DIDN'T TELL HER! They just decided what was best for her, and assumed she'd understand.
She kinda did, I didn't. I was LIVID. I also posted on FB, and they finally explained the situation. What a bunch of assholes.
They decided, because it was a big crowd and they had a big dog, that my sister wouldn't be comfortable. They were right. However, instead of telling her before the fact, they just...excluded her.
after what they did at my dad's celebration of life, I was furious.
Of course, little miss bitch went off on me - because I didn't have all the facts. She's determined that she's right, and I'm wrong, and then tried to make me feel guilty for not living in the same city.
The only reason I moved was because I knew my dad would take care of my sister. Now that he's gone, I fully expect these assholes to slowly cut her out.
To keep the peace (for sisters sake) I did apologize, but they're still in the wrong for how they did it.
-----------------------------
Then, yesterday, I had to say goodbye to my Botika. She was a mess, and the vet said that her mind was gone - her body just hadn't realized it yet. so, I'm dealing with a third loss in 4 months. my Tabby cat, my dad, my Botika. 1/3 of my family, gone.
and while I'm doing that, is when little miss bitch messaged me. I told her I'd answer after I said goodbye to my Botika. What does she come back with? "donno who or what that is, but I'm sorry for your loss". Little cunt. I'm pretty much done with her. I'll be nice when I see them (If I ever do again), but I've lost all respect for her. And she's in social work. oy.
I love you, my monster. Wait for me at Rainbow Bridge.
December 28, 2018
Dec 22, 2018 - 13 months post gastric bypass
Well, it's been a very quiet month.
Just working on getting my water in, and vitamins, and food, and ugh.
Constipation is my constant companion, and I've asked for some tests to be done - I think my bowel looped funny after my hysterectomy, and is causing bladder/bowel issues. We'll see.
Scale is starting downward again, and I can see my skin getting very loose and wrinkly. Makes it hard to see the "small" me, but I'm working on it. Fat brain is working overtime, but I"m still not comfort eating.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 179.4
change from last: -5
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
Just working on getting my water in, and vitamins, and food, and ugh.
Constipation is my constant companion, and I've asked for some tests to be done - I think my bowel looped funny after my hysterectomy, and is causing bladder/bowel issues. We'll see.
Scale is starting downward again, and I can see my skin getting very loose and wrinkly. Makes it hard to see the "small" me, but I'm working on it. Fat brain is working overtime, but I"m still not comfort eating.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 179.4
change from last: -5
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
Good bye, Dad.
I've been putting this off for weeks (can you tell?)
However, it's time.
Nov 10, 2018 was a day of Celebration. Of the life of my Father, John B.R. Gilchrist.
Born Sept 15, 1944
Died Sept 18, 2018
The last thing I said to him, on his birthday, was "I love you". He died less than 72 hours later.
I'm devastated, heartbroken, and just.... lost.
Anyway, I booked a trip to Calgary for this event. I took a dress that Crysi said I had to buy, because it looked great. So, I did and decided that I was going to look like a million bucks (and I did!). I stayed with Ruth for a couple of days. It was weird, being in that house without dad.
All of the food was pot luck, and Ruth provided a lot of the meat. We did a lot of the cooking at her place.
Day of the Celebration, Ruth decided to wear her favourite dress. She asked me if she was going to be over dressed and I told her "You like that dress, Dad liked it, wear it. It's appropriate". It was. She looked great.
We get to the hall, and got things started, and were waiting for the "muscle" to show up. There's no way we could have moved tables, that's for sure. So, I'm sitting at one of the few already set up tables, and Ruth is at another. Her daughter Michelle comes in, and I wave a bit and go back to what I'm doing. She looks at me with a small smile and a "who are you" look, but didn't say anything to me. I realized she didn't recognise me, so I just waited.
A few minutes later, Ruth introduces me to an old friend of Dad's, and Michelle just about lost her mind. She was like "NO WAY!" etc. I thought it was hysterical :P She kept looking at me like I was an alien (remember, I've dropped 130ish lbs by this point. I also hadn't known that dad hadn't told them about my surgery ).
We then went to pick up my sister, and then needed to help Jen with some things. Jen saw me in the car, and michelle tells me that Jen asked "whos' that?" and M replied "random friends and family". I realized then that Michelle wanted me to do the same to Jen, as I did to her. Okay, will do.
Back at the hall, the muscle has gotten most of the tables up, and I'm just helping moving food around in the kitchen, etc. Michelle asked "have you done it yet?" I laughed and said "no, I want you there. come on then".
Into the kitchen we go, and Jen looks at me, then sticks her hand out "Hi, I'm Jen!". I couldn't resist - I shook her hand and said "I'm Tracee, nice to meet you". She literally fell out of her shoes.
Sadly, that was the last fun part. Jim and Kim came for moral support, which was lovely! Thank you!
They did a lovely photo tribute to my dad and Ruth, and everyone in the family did little videos...except my sister and I. His only bio-kids. One photo of sister, and NONE of me in the whole thing. And yes, they did it on purpose. I've always been "John's daughter", but that night - no one would have known that. I didn't say anything, because I refused to ruin the night for Ruth. She is not like that - it's just Jen and her other daughter Mel.
Whew. Glad I got that over with.
So, fare the well, Dad. I'll be okay, eventually.
maybe.
However, it's time.
Nov 10, 2018 was a day of Celebration. Of the life of my Father, John B.R. Gilchrist.
Born Sept 15, 1944
Died Sept 18, 2018
The last thing I said to him, on his birthday, was "I love you". He died less than 72 hours later.
I'm devastated, heartbroken, and just.... lost.
Anyway, I booked a trip to Calgary for this event. I took a dress that Crysi said I had to buy, because it looked great. So, I did and decided that I was going to look like a million bucks (and I did!). I stayed with Ruth for a couple of days. It was weird, being in that house without dad.
All of the food was pot luck, and Ruth provided a lot of the meat. We did a lot of the cooking at her place.
Day of the Celebration, Ruth decided to wear her favourite dress. She asked me if she was going to be over dressed and I told her "You like that dress, Dad liked it, wear it. It's appropriate". It was. She looked great.
We get to the hall, and got things started, and were waiting for the "muscle" to show up. There's no way we could have moved tables, that's for sure. So, I'm sitting at one of the few already set up tables, and Ruth is at another. Her daughter Michelle comes in, and I wave a bit and go back to what I'm doing. She looks at me with a small smile and a "who are you" look, but didn't say anything to me. I realized she didn't recognise me, so I just waited.
A few minutes later, Ruth introduces me to an old friend of Dad's, and Michelle just about lost her mind. She was like "NO WAY!" etc. I thought it was hysterical :P She kept looking at me like I was an alien (remember, I've dropped 130ish lbs by this point. I also hadn't known that dad hadn't told them about my surgery ).
We then went to pick up my sister, and then needed to help Jen with some things. Jen saw me in the car, and michelle tells me that Jen asked "whos' that?" and M replied "random friends and family". I realized then that Michelle wanted me to do the same to Jen, as I did to her. Okay, will do.
Back at the hall, the muscle has gotten most of the tables up, and I'm just helping moving food around in the kitchen, etc. Michelle asked "have you done it yet?" I laughed and said "no, I want you there. come on then".
Into the kitchen we go, and Jen looks at me, then sticks her hand out "Hi, I'm Jen!". I couldn't resist - I shook her hand and said "I'm Tracee, nice to meet you". She literally fell out of her shoes.
Sadly, that was the last fun part. Jim and Kim came for moral support, which was lovely! Thank you!
They did a lovely photo tribute to my dad and Ruth, and everyone in the family did little videos...except my sister and I. His only bio-kids. One photo of sister, and NONE of me in the whole thing. And yes, they did it on purpose. I've always been "John's daughter", but that night - no one would have known that. I didn't say anything, because I refused to ruin the night for Ruth. She is not like that - it's just Jen and her other daughter Mel.
Whew. Glad I got that over with.
So, fare the well, Dad. I'll be okay, eventually.
maybe.
1 year post gastric bypass (Nov 22,2018)
I made it. One year :)
Not much to report, so I'll keep it short and sweet.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 184.4
change from last: -2.6
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
Not much to report, so I'll keep it short and sweet.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 184.4
change from last: -2.6
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
October 19, 2018
11 months post gastric bypass
Well, it's looking more and more like I'm done with the weight loss. *sigh* could I lose more? possibly.
I saw the surgeon today, and he's really happy with where I'm at. I'M not, but hey - what can you do? lol he told me something that I didn't think about - that when you're overweight, your body makes your bones and muscles stronger/heavier than a "normal" person. he put it "it's like using rebar instead of 2x4" and of course, weighs so much more. which makes the BMI useless - so I can stop looking at it and going "I"m still so BIG".
I finally found out my referral weight - 146.0 kg (322lbs)
Got a referral to plastics, and the appointment will be sometime in the new year. I'm 99% sure nothing but the panni will be covered, so I will have to wait until I've got the money saved up for my arms. the rest of me, I really don't care - but my arms are gross (and I'll end up with horrible rashes if I don't get the skin removed).
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 187
change: 0 lbs
Total lost since referral: 135
Since program start: 124
from highest weight: 151
Whoooo...when you put it like that, WOWZA!
Measurements:
Hips: 43
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
I'll still update monthly for a while, and see where I end up.
I saw the surgeon today, and he's really happy with where I'm at. I'M not, but hey - what can you do? lol he told me something that I didn't think about - that when you're overweight, your body makes your bones and muscles stronger/heavier than a "normal" person. he put it "it's like using rebar instead of 2x4" and of course, weighs so much more. which makes the BMI useless - so I can stop looking at it and going "I"m still so BIG".
I finally found out my referral weight - 146.0 kg (322lbs)
Got a referral to plastics, and the appointment will be sometime in the new year. I'm 99% sure nothing but the panni will be covered, so I will have to wait until I've got the money saved up for my arms. the rest of me, I really don't care - but my arms are gross (and I'll end up with horrible rashes if I don't get the skin removed).
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 187
change: 0 lbs
Total lost since referral: 135
Since program start: 124
from highest weight: 151
Whoooo...when you put it like that, WOWZA!
Measurements:
Hips: 43
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
I'll still update monthly for a while, and see where I end up.
October 14, 2018
14 years now....
Dear mom,
it's been 14 years since you left this earth. 14 years since you took your last breath, and over 14 since I've heard you say, with my ears, "have I got a deal for you" with that laugh in your voice.
Mom, I thought I was getting better at living without you, but I'm really not. Everything is getting overwhelming, and I don't have anywhere to turn anymore.
Dad died on Sept 18 with no warning whatsoever. I'd talked to him on his birthday (15th) and we discussed me finding a way to get to the 25th Anniversary celebration he and Ruth had planned on November 10th.
I told him I'd see what I could do, and then we discussed how I shouldn't get toooo skinny lol. He had people coming over, so I said goodbye and that I loved him. and then he was gone.... I'm still in disbelief - it's not supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be around for at least 5 (10!) years. he'd survived colon cancer, was doing great - and we were planning to go to Scotland soon too. All in ruins, mom.
I never thought I'd take his death this hard. I'm not taking it well at all.
I've lost all direction. I don't know what to do.... I'm just, lost. I'm existing, and I think that's all I'll do for a while. I don't know how much more I can take, mom. Tabby died on Aug 22, Dad Sept 18...what's next? what else is going to blow up in my face and ruin things? WHY is everything so fucking hard? Why, just once, can't things to EXACTLY as I need them to, and make my life easier instead of harder?
I know you don't have answers. As always, I feel better after venting it out - but I still don't have a clue where I'm going from here.
I wish you were here. You're so missed.
Love,
Tracee
Tracee
September 23, 2018
10 months post gastric bypass
I don't know if I'm stalled, or just the upheaval from the hysterectomy and all that - but the weight isn't coming off quickly any more.
If I end up close to where I am now, I'm okay with it - I think. I'd like to be in the 170's but...
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 187
change: -4 lbs
Measurements:
Hips: 43
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
No change there, which was expected.
Not much else to update - healing from the hysterectomy, and trying to actually eat right now - I'm not doing well with it because of the emotional shocks. one day at a time....
If I end up close to where I am now, I'm okay with it - I think. I'd like to be in the 170's but...
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 187
change: -4 lbs
Measurements:
Hips: 43
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
No change there, which was expected.
Not much else to update - healing from the hysterectomy, and trying to actually eat right now - I'm not doing well with it because of the emotional shocks. one day at a time....
Strap in, this one's a whiny one....
Well, I had a decent update last time.
this one is shit.
it's gonna be long, whiny and probably incoherent.
The day after my update (Aug 22, 2018), my teeny, tiny Tabby crashed and I had to let her go. 4 hours before my flight, I was at the vet saying goodbye to her. She was over 17 years old, and had been failing for a while, but still - it was a bit of a shock that it was so early. Not even a week prior she was doing "ok" for a kitty with cancer.
My trip was great. I got to spend a week with Crysi, and it was marvellous. We did some shopping, I found a few things that fit (size 14 jeans baby!), and just ...existed. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
On dad's birthday, I knew that I HAD to call him and wish him happy birthday, so I did. I also made a point to tell him I loved him. I didn't know then, WHY I felt it so strongly....until the 18th of September.
I was in the kitchen getting coffee, and noticed a missed call from dad's number. As I was hitting dial, my son was on the line telling me I had to call RUTH right away. Oh no. no no no no.... yes.
My dad had died sometime between midnight and 8 am. Just...went to sleep and didn't wake up. I tell you, I was (still am?) in shock. This isn't how it's supposed to be, dammit. He was supposed to live into his 80s! He was doing so well, too! Cancer was gone, lungs were fairly clear, he was feeling pretty damn good.... He invited me to his 25th wedding anniversary celebration on Nov 10th... and I was trying to figure out how to afford to go. It's now been changed to a celebration of his life.... dad was ALLLL about the big party!
There was a vague plan in the back of my mind about moving back to Calgary, and staying with dad to save up some money for a down payment....well, that's completely gone now. We were supposed to go to Scotland in a couple of years. I will go before I'm 50 if it kills me!
There is no way I can do both the small funeral on the 27th and the celebration of his life in November, so I'm going in November. I bought a dress in Ontario, and I think I'm going to wear it to the celebration. Maybe... I might find a better one. I'm actually going to go shopping for a dress...which I've not done in 10 years.
Ruth won't mean to do it, but I know once the celebration of his life is done (Nov 10, 2018), I probably won't ever hear from her again. I'm "John's daughter" and an outsider. I've been that for over 25 years now, and TBH, I'm okay with that. I refused to allow them to completely shut me out, which is why I went to visit as often as I did. I tell ya, I'm very glad I went this year.
As long as I get anything he left to me (which I doubt is anything.... and that's ok too.) it's all good. She had better not abandon Thea, though. but if she does, I'll do what I can to help Thea from here in Winnipeg.
September fucking sucks. I've not liked it since mom's illness, and now it's even worse. Labour day to Oct 14 can die in a fire for all I care.
I have to say, any faith I had in any god, universe, goddess, whatever has been shattered. I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I'm sitting here waiting for the final shoe to drop, tbh. One more thing to handle. I wonder - will I ever be allowed to just be happy? Every single time I start feeling the littlest bit content, something horrible happens and it just.... ruins it for a long time. Am I supposed to be miserable all my life? am I not allowed the "good" things that seem to happen to everyone else? They say that instead of "why me?" I should be asking "what is this trying to teach me?"... ha. All it's teaching me is that I'm not allowed to be happy. I know I'll snap out of this eventually.... and then more shit will happen. It's a never ending cycle, and I'm really tired of it.
this one is shit.
it's gonna be long, whiny and probably incoherent.
The day after my update (Aug 22, 2018), my teeny, tiny Tabby crashed and I had to let her go. 4 hours before my flight, I was at the vet saying goodbye to her. She was over 17 years old, and had been failing for a while, but still - it was a bit of a shock that it was so early. Not even a week prior she was doing "ok" for a kitty with cancer.
My trip was great. I got to spend a week with Crysi, and it was marvellous. We did some shopping, I found a few things that fit (size 14 jeans baby!), and just ...existed. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
On dad's birthday, I knew that I HAD to call him and wish him happy birthday, so I did. I also made a point to tell him I loved him. I didn't know then, WHY I felt it so strongly....until the 18th of September.
I was in the kitchen getting coffee, and noticed a missed call from dad's number. As I was hitting dial, my son was on the line telling me I had to call RUTH right away. Oh no. no no no no.... yes.
My dad had died sometime between midnight and 8 am. Just...went to sleep and didn't wake up. I tell you, I was (still am?) in shock. This isn't how it's supposed to be, dammit. He was supposed to live into his 80s! He was doing so well, too! Cancer was gone, lungs were fairly clear, he was feeling pretty damn good.... He invited me to his 25th wedding anniversary celebration on Nov 10th... and I was trying to figure out how to afford to go. It's now been changed to a celebration of his life.... dad was ALLLL about the big party!
There was a vague plan in the back of my mind about moving back to Calgary, and staying with dad to save up some money for a down payment....well, that's completely gone now. We were supposed to go to Scotland in a couple of years. I will go before I'm 50 if it kills me!
There is no way I can do both the small funeral on the 27th and the celebration of his life in November, so I'm going in November. I bought a dress in Ontario, and I think I'm going to wear it to the celebration. Maybe... I might find a better one. I'm actually going to go shopping for a dress...which I've not done in 10 years.
Ruth won't mean to do it, but I know once the celebration of his life is done (Nov 10, 2018), I probably won't ever hear from her again. I'm "John's daughter" and an outsider. I've been that for over 25 years now, and TBH, I'm okay with that. I refused to allow them to completely shut me out, which is why I went to visit as often as I did. I tell ya, I'm very glad I went this year.
As long as I get anything he left to me (which I doubt is anything.... and that's ok too.) it's all good. She had better not abandon Thea, though. but if she does, I'll do what I can to help Thea from here in Winnipeg.
September fucking sucks. I've not liked it since mom's illness, and now it's even worse. Labour day to Oct 14 can die in a fire for all I care.
I have to say, any faith I had in any god, universe, goddess, whatever has been shattered. I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I'm sitting here waiting for the final shoe to drop, tbh. One more thing to handle. I wonder - will I ever be allowed to just be happy? Every single time I start feeling the littlest bit content, something horrible happens and it just.... ruins it for a long time. Am I supposed to be miserable all my life? am I not allowed the "good" things that seem to happen to everyone else? They say that instead of "why me?" I should be asking "what is this trying to teach me?"... ha. All it's teaching me is that I'm not allowed to be happy. I know I'll snap out of this eventually.... and then more shit will happen. It's a never ending cycle, and I'm really tired of it.
August 21, 2018
9 months post gastric bypass
Yay, on time this month lol
Looks like my stall is breaking, :D
I've been trying to up my calories again, to 1300ish. It's really tough to do when sugar, flour and fat all make me feel ill! It seems like that's what I needed to do though - did that, and some weight started to come off again.
I'm officially in a large in clothing. I also fit my butt into a size 14 pair of jeans. They looked terrible, but they fit lol they were low rise, which I can't stand.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 191
change from last month: 6.6
I'm down 120 lbs from the program start. wow. this body dysmorphia is a true thing - I still see the "fat" me.
Measurements:
Hips: 43
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
Still losing boobs, but I'll survive. I am starting to save up for plastics to remove skin, and maybe I'll see about getting my boobs fixed from that botched reduction 25 years ago. who knows, maybe I can get it covered lol (ya, doubtful) Found a bra that fits - it's called the Genie Bra. It's like a sports bra, but isn't skin tight. Until I'm done, and get a proper fitting, they'll work just fine.
Looks like my stall is breaking, :D
I've been trying to up my calories again, to 1300ish. It's really tough to do when sugar, flour and fat all make me feel ill! It seems like that's what I needed to do though - did that, and some weight started to come off again.
I'm officially in a large in clothing. I also fit my butt into a size 14 pair of jeans. They looked terrible, but they fit lol they were low rise, which I can't stand.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 191
change from last month: 6.6
I'm down 120 lbs from the program start. wow. this body dysmorphia is a true thing - I still see the "fat" me.
Measurements:
Hips: 43
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
Still losing boobs, but I'll survive. I am starting to save up for plastics to remove skin, and maybe I'll see about getting my boobs fixed from that botched reduction 25 years ago. who knows, maybe I can get it covered lol (ya, doubtful) Found a bra that fits - it's called the Genie Bra. It's like a sports bra, but isn't skin tight. Until I'm done, and get a proper fitting, they'll work just fine.
Hysterectomy update
Had my follow up with my surgeon.
Everything looks good - I've been cleared to go back to my normal activities. Pathology of the uterus was as expected - no cancer, just massive fibroids and the endometrium growing into the muscles of the uterus. I confirmed that it was about the size of a honeydew melon, or mini watermelon. Ouch.
Everything looks good - I've been cleared to go back to my normal activities. Pathology of the uterus was as expected - no cancer, just massive fibroids and the endometrium growing into the muscles of the uterus. I confirmed that it was about the size of a honeydew melon, or mini watermelon. Ouch.
July 25, 2018
8 months post gastric bypass
Only a little late this month.
Feeling a little blue, tbh. I've stalled, and it's making me feel like a failure.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 197.6
change from last month: 1.4
Measurements:
Hips: 44
Waist: 37
Bust: 41
Woo...losing my boobs. Yahoo. not.
I know losing over 110lbs is an accomplishment, and I'm proud of myself... I was just hoping for a little bit more. 20lbs more. There's still time, and I'll keep on doing what I'm doing, but I am still a bit sad. I see all these people down 100lbs 6 months after surgery, so 100lbs FROM surgery, and then I see my 75...and wonder... do I HAVE to have the abnormal things, every single time? really?
ugh.
Feeling a little blue, tbh. I've stalled, and it's making me feel like a failure.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 197.6
change from last month: 1.4
Measurements:
Hips: 44
Waist: 37
Bust: 41
Woo...losing my boobs. Yahoo. not.
I know losing over 110lbs is an accomplishment, and I'm proud of myself... I was just hoping for a little bit more. 20lbs more. There's still time, and I'll keep on doing what I'm doing, but I am still a bit sad. I see all these people down 100lbs 6 months after surgery, so 100lbs FROM surgery, and then I see my 75...and wonder... do I HAVE to have the abnormal things, every single time? really?
ugh.
July 4, 2018
surgery update
Had my hysterectomy on June 14, 2018.
I'm STILL knocked on my ass from it. Wow, what a trial and hell I went through! Before surgery was ok, but after. whew.
I stumbled into admitting at 7:00 am, got to my spot and sent my son home with my stuff. He's such a wonderful guy - I done good :D
They asked for a urine sample to do a quick pregnancy test, and I managed to get one. I then sat for a while, and someone came and took the sample. All good so far.
Got my IV, got a warmed blanket, and just relaxed until 9:15. At that point, they wheeled me into the operating room, and I did my usual "do what you have to, but tell me what you're doing" speech. They always ask why, and I tell them of when I was going for ...my gallbladder I believe, and the nurse put a huge amount of pressure on my neck, and then let go and I remembered screaming as I went out.... she never told me what was happening, and I remember feeling so helpless. So, I ask.
They put the mask on my face, and then I hear "wait...we can't start without her pregnancy test...." LOL I told them it didn't matter, and they said "yes, it does". Nope - do it anyway (NO WAY was I pregnant). For some reason, the test got lost. My surgeon was like "she's got a mirena, her period ended two days ago, and she's got so many fibroids it wouldn't matter" so they started anyway. I got a chuckle as I went out.
Woke up in recover, and in agony (again! fuck, I hate surgery). They couldn't get my pain under control. I asked about the pain pump I was supposed to have (according to pre-surgery clinic). Nope. Doc didn't order it.
Well, fuck. at that point I knew I was in trouble.
My doctor didn't order enough pain medication for me, and even when I saw her - she wouldn't increase it. I even told her that my pain is hard to control at the beginning - nope. I spent the entire night in agony. I almost passed out in the bathroom because of it. I only didn't because i fought it so hard. Next time, (i hope never) I will just let it happen and they can deal with the fallout.
My entire abdomen, back and right side spasmed while I was there, and I couldn't get a deep breath - meh from everyone.
It's like I've been labeled a drug seeker or something. NO one seems to get that I metabolize ALL medications/drugs quickly. If it's supposed to last 4-6 hours, 3.5 for me. If it's 3 hours for most...2 for me. NO ONE listens to me, so I suffer. Dental freezing is out in 3 hours or less - sometimes it's coming out before they're done.
I did manage to get her to prescribe some hydromorphone for when I went home - I FINALLY got control over my pain.
So, WHY am I knocked on my ass? My surgical team were quite giddy when the told me that it took all three of them to get my uterus out via laparoscopic means. They also told me they had to get a bigger container, the one they had was too small. One held up her hands, and the size was about a honeydew/miniwatermelon. OUCH, no wonder I was in pain for days.
Honestly, I'm still in a bit of pain - but it's nothing exciting now. Just the insides going to their new configurations. I'm on the road to recovery, just have to allow my body to heal.
I'm STILL knocked on my ass from it. Wow, what a trial and hell I went through! Before surgery was ok, but after. whew.
I stumbled into admitting at 7:00 am, got to my spot and sent my son home with my stuff. He's such a wonderful guy - I done good :D
They asked for a urine sample to do a quick pregnancy test, and I managed to get one. I then sat for a while, and someone came and took the sample. All good so far.
Got my IV, got a warmed blanket, and just relaxed until 9:15. At that point, they wheeled me into the operating room, and I did my usual "do what you have to, but tell me what you're doing" speech. They always ask why, and I tell them of when I was going for ...my gallbladder I believe, and the nurse put a huge amount of pressure on my neck, and then let go and I remembered screaming as I went out.... she never told me what was happening, and I remember feeling so helpless. So, I ask.
They put the mask on my face, and then I hear "wait...we can't start without her pregnancy test...." LOL I told them it didn't matter, and they said "yes, it does". Nope - do it anyway (NO WAY was I pregnant). For some reason, the test got lost. My surgeon was like "she's got a mirena, her period ended two days ago, and she's got so many fibroids it wouldn't matter" so they started anyway. I got a chuckle as I went out.
Woke up in recover, and in agony (again! fuck, I hate surgery). They couldn't get my pain under control. I asked about the pain pump I was supposed to have (according to pre-surgery clinic). Nope. Doc didn't order it.
Well, fuck. at that point I knew I was in trouble.
My doctor didn't order enough pain medication for me, and even when I saw her - she wouldn't increase it. I even told her that my pain is hard to control at the beginning - nope. I spent the entire night in agony. I almost passed out in the bathroom because of it. I only didn't because i fought it so hard. Next time, (i hope never) I will just let it happen and they can deal with the fallout.
My entire abdomen, back and right side spasmed while I was there, and I couldn't get a deep breath - meh from everyone.
It's like I've been labeled a drug seeker or something. NO one seems to get that I metabolize ALL medications/drugs quickly. If it's supposed to last 4-6 hours, 3.5 for me. If it's 3 hours for most...2 for me. NO ONE listens to me, so I suffer. Dental freezing is out in 3 hours or less - sometimes it's coming out before they're done.
I did manage to get her to prescribe some hydromorphone for when I went home - I FINALLY got control over my pain.
So, WHY am I knocked on my ass? My surgical team were quite giddy when the told me that it took all three of them to get my uterus out via laparoscopic means. They also told me they had to get a bigger container, the one they had was too small. One held up her hands, and the size was about a honeydew/miniwatermelon. OUCH, no wonder I was in pain for days.
Honestly, I'm still in a bit of pain - but it's nothing exciting now. Just the insides going to their new configurations. I'm on the road to recovery, just have to allow my body to heal.
7 months post gastric bypass
Very late this time! LOL
was still busy with other life crap, but at least I remember somewhat near the date
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 199 lbs WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ONE-DERLAND!
change from last month: -11
Measurements: (didn't do them because of surgery)
So, weight is still coming off. It seems very very slow to me, but clearly it's not. I'm down 73lbs since surgery, over 110 since I started this process, and while I expect the loss to slow - I'm hoping to make it to about 175. I know that's still a bit "heavy" according to the BMI sites, but I'm not a small framed woman. We'll see - maybe I'll make it there by "not eating much"
I still scratch, claw and struggle to make it to 1200 calories a day. I know that's the minimum I'm supposed to have, but it's really hard to do. I get "help" by drinking coffee with flavoured cream - it gives me a few calories. Even though they're pretty much empty ones. I just can't fit much into my stomach, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to ever go back to eating large amounts and being heavy.
So many people in my support group are struggling. They say their sugar cravings are out of control, and they can't help binge eating.... but won't get any counselling for the reasons behind the comfort eating. You HAVE to deal with the demons to make them stop sabotaging you. I don't say much because I just.... don't understand. I'm trying, I really am... but WHY would you do this surgery if you don't deal with the issues that got you there in the first place?
I was never much of a stress/emotional eater - I was just a mindless one. oh, I'm hungry - make enough food for two people and scarf it down as fast as I could. Since I can't do that now - I'm losing weight.
was still busy with other life crap, but at least I remember somewhat near the date
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 199 lbs WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ONE-DERLAND!
change from last month: -11
Measurements: (didn't do them because of surgery)
So, weight is still coming off. It seems very very slow to me, but clearly it's not. I'm down 73lbs since surgery, over 110 since I started this process, and while I expect the loss to slow - I'm hoping to make it to about 175. I know that's still a bit "heavy" according to the BMI sites, but I'm not a small framed woman. We'll see - maybe I'll make it there by "not eating much"
I still scratch, claw and struggle to make it to 1200 calories a day. I know that's the minimum I'm supposed to have, but it's really hard to do. I get "help" by drinking coffee with flavoured cream - it gives me a few calories. Even though they're pretty much empty ones. I just can't fit much into my stomach, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to ever go back to eating large amounts and being heavy.
So many people in my support group are struggling. They say their sugar cravings are out of control, and they can't help binge eating.... but won't get any counselling for the reasons behind the comfort eating. You HAVE to deal with the demons to make them stop sabotaging you. I don't say much because I just.... don't understand. I'm trying, I really am... but WHY would you do this surgery if you don't deal with the issues that got you there in the first place?
I was never much of a stress/emotional eater - I was just a mindless one. oh, I'm hungry - make enough food for two people and scarf it down as fast as I could. Since I can't do that now - I'm losing weight.
May 30, 2018
24 weeks (6 Months) post gastric bypass
Oops...a little late this time. I've been busy doing other crap, getting ready for surgery on the 14th of June.
As well, I wanted to see the surgeon for my 6 month appt, and that wasn't until the 28th of May.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 210 lbs
change from last month: -10
Measurements:
Hips: 45
Waist: 38
Bust: 43
So, weight is still going down at a decent pace. Surgeon was happy with it, and I'm officially down 100lbs from my program starting point. I'm hoping for another 30-40lbs lost. We'll see what happens - I know the loss will slow down now. Honestly, as long as I'm in "one-derland" I'll be okay.
I've put the scale away - I was obsessing over the damn thing. I will weigh in the day of my surgery, just so I can see the difference.
I've really noticed my uterus lately - I can't lift my legs while seated, it hurts. my waist measurement is the same - I'm thinking because my uterus is so high/big. I'll find out in just over two weeks!
Pre assessment clinic is on June 1st. It's a good thing I don't work - when they called me, we had booked the 4th, but someone wrote the 1st. They called me today to see if I could come on the 1st. Luckily - nothing was on that day.
As well, I wanted to see the surgeon for my 6 month appt, and that wasn't until the 28th of May.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 210 lbs
change from last month: -10
Measurements:
Hips: 45
Waist: 38
Bust: 43
So, weight is still going down at a decent pace. Surgeon was happy with it, and I'm officially down 100lbs from my program starting point. I'm hoping for another 30-40lbs lost. We'll see what happens - I know the loss will slow down now. Honestly, as long as I'm in "one-derland" I'll be okay.
I've put the scale away - I was obsessing over the damn thing. I will weigh in the day of my surgery, just so I can see the difference.
I've really noticed my uterus lately - I can't lift my legs while seated, it hurts. my waist measurement is the same - I'm thinking because my uterus is so high/big. I'll find out in just over two weeks!
Pre assessment clinic is on June 1st. It's a good thing I don't work - when they called me, we had booked the 4th, but someone wrote the 1st. They called me today to see if I could come on the 1st. Luckily - nothing was on that day.
May 22, 2018
Musings and observations
Well, I just realized that all this rambling was set to private. Now it's out there for whoever cares...which is about 3 people. It's all good - read away, and shake your head :P
I was reading back through my older posts, and realized that I had said in 2011 that every three years, just as I get content, something happens....
Well, in 2014 my husband had a stroke, and we had to suddenly move from the townhouse to an apartment. Then in 2017, my son ended up disabled from his headaches. Luckily - he had good insurance, and won't be in financial hardship.
Damn... It's like I'm stuck in a loop of every 3 years, shit hits the fan. I guess I've got 2 years before it all goes to hell again - hopefully I can ward it off this time! I'll survive it, no matter what - it's what I do.
I've decided to post this all outside of the gastric bypass stuff, because I want to try to keep them easy to find. So, if you're looking for a weight update, you'll see that in it's own post :)
My Tabby cat is still holding on - over 6 years since she was exposed to mould in the townhouse and almost died, she's doing well. Her lungs are scarred, and she does have minor breathing issues - but we're managing it with an inhaler and antibiotics as needed. I've sent an invoice to the coop for her vet bills, but they've ignored me. I will be sending a second request, then looking into small claims court. We'll see what happens.
My sister has published a book - find her here:
D.P. Pendragon
--------------------
don't write for others, write for you.
I was reading back through my older posts, and realized that I had said in 2011 that every three years, just as I get content, something happens....
Well, in 2014 my husband had a stroke, and we had to suddenly move from the townhouse to an apartment. Then in 2017, my son ended up disabled from his headaches. Luckily - he had good insurance, and won't be in financial hardship.
Damn... It's like I'm stuck in a loop of every 3 years, shit hits the fan. I guess I've got 2 years before it all goes to hell again - hopefully I can ward it off this time! I'll survive it, no matter what - it's what I do.
I've decided to post this all outside of the gastric bypass stuff, because I want to try to keep them easy to find. So, if you're looking for a weight update, you'll see that in it's own post :)
My Tabby cat is still holding on - over 6 years since she was exposed to mould in the townhouse and almost died, she's doing well. Her lungs are scarred, and she does have minor breathing issues - but we're managing it with an inhaler and antibiotics as needed. I've sent an invoice to the coop for her vet bills, but they've ignored me. I will be sending a second request, then looking into small claims court. We'll see what happens.
My sister has published a book - find her here:
D.P. Pendragon
--------------------
don't write for others, write for you.
April 18, 2018
20 weeks post gastric bypass
I'm still frustrated, but at least I've lost a little bit. I've been working hard to ensure I get over 1000 calories, and closer to 1200 a day. It's really hard to do! The mindset is something I have to work on, but I'll get there eventually.
I've covered the window on the scale so that even if I do step on more than once a week, I can't see it.
I've been bloating like crazy lately, and I'm 99% sure that it's because my uterus is all fucked up (NOT CANCER) and sending out hormonal weirdness. 8 weeks and one day until it's GONE!
My phenomenal luck kicked in with that. I got a call that they had a cancellation, and could get me in early... on the 30th of April. I'd already booked a small trip to Calgary, and since I'm not in agony - I said no. *sigh*
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 220 lbs
change from last month: -8
Measurements:
Hips: 47
Waist: 38
Bust: 43
so, a little bit of a drop. Slow and steady is supposed to be better, but I want it to HURRY UP! lol
small note: I'm in "regular" sizes now - I just bought XL sized pants at Giant Tiger. :O only $7 for a pair of pants? Unheard of! lol
I've covered the window on the scale so that even if I do step on more than once a week, I can't see it.
I've been bloating like crazy lately, and I'm 99% sure that it's because my uterus is all fucked up (NOT CANCER) and sending out hormonal weirdness. 8 weeks and one day until it's GONE!
My phenomenal luck kicked in with that. I got a call that they had a cancellation, and could get me in early... on the 30th of April. I'd already booked a small trip to Calgary, and since I'm not in agony - I said no. *sigh*
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 220 lbs
change from last month: -8
Measurements:
Hips: 47
Waist: 38
Bust: 43
so, a little bit of a drop. Slow and steady is supposed to be better, but I want it to HURRY UP! lol
small note: I'm in "regular" sizes now - I just bought XL sized pants at Giant Tiger. :O only $7 for a pair of pants? Unheard of! lol
March 21, 2018
16 weeks post gastric bypass
Weight loss was going great, then I stalled. It's so frustrating, and disheartening when you're eating 1000 calories a day, and you don't lose any weight. It's crap, and it freaks me out.
I know it's normal to stall, it happens to everyone, but after more than 30 years of dieting and it just not working for whatever reason - you start getting the thoughts
"why did I even bother doing this? what a waste, it didn't work" and similar
I will keep on keeping on, because I don't have a choice, but I may just stay off the scale for a while.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 228 lbs
change from last month: -8
Measurements:
Hips: 47
Waist: 39
Bust: 43
So, I'm still losing inches, which is good. Down 110 from estimated highest is amazing.
I'm into size 16 pants from Penningtons. WOOT WOOT!
3 month follow up went well- all blood values are great! Iron is 137 (whew) . I finally see the bariatric counsellor on the 26th for help with the OMG 1000 calories I'm such a pig!
thanks to the hack and slash premier, my surgery has been bumped until June 14. yay - 2 more weeks of pain! fucking bastard.
I know it's normal to stall, it happens to everyone, but after more than 30 years of dieting and it just not working for whatever reason - you start getting the thoughts
"why did I even bother doing this? what a waste, it didn't work" and similar
I will keep on keeping on, because I don't have a choice, but I may just stay off the scale for a while.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 228 lbs
change from last month: -8
Measurements:
Hips: 47
Waist: 39
Bust: 43
So, I'm still losing inches, which is good. Down 110 from estimated highest is amazing.
I'm into size 16 pants from Penningtons. WOOT WOOT!
3 month follow up went well- all blood values are great! Iron is 137 (whew) . I finally see the bariatric counsellor on the 26th for help with the OMG 1000 calories I'm such a pig!
thanks to the hack and slash premier, my surgery has been bumped until June 14. yay - 2 more weeks of pain! fucking bastard.
February 21, 2018
12 weeks post gastric bypass
Weight loss is still continuing, it's still very slow in my opinion, but hey - down is down. I've been reading to try and find out what I'm doing "wrong" and it seems like I need to get more water in.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 236 lbs
change from last month: -8
Huge thing: Down over 100lbs since my highest, which was about Dec 2016. :D
Measurements
Hips 48'
Waist 42'
Bust 44'
Still struggling to get in enough calories in a day. If I hit 1000, I'm shocked. Also, when I do hit 1000, I feel like "omg, I'm a pig...did I really eat that much?". It's a mindset that I have to get out of, and quick.
I have my 3 month follow up on Friday - we'll see what they say. I had bloodwork done - I wonder how I have any left! lol
I'm really trying to get my water in, but again - it's tough to remember sometimes. Not sure why - but I just don't think about it.
Also found out that I have to have another surgery in May. I saw a gynecologist and my uterus is the size of a cantaloupe (ish. 16-18 week pregnant size). It's not cancer - it's fibroids. However, because it's so big and causing pain - out it comes. I wonder if this will change my weight loss speed... find out in June, I guess :D
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 236 lbs
change from last month: -8
Huge thing: Down over 100lbs since my highest, which was about Dec 2016. :D
Measurements
Hips 48'
Waist 42'
Bust 44'
Still struggling to get in enough calories in a day. If I hit 1000, I'm shocked. Also, when I do hit 1000, I feel like "omg, I'm a pig...did I really eat that much?". It's a mindset that I have to get out of, and quick.
I have my 3 month follow up on Friday - we'll see what they say. I had bloodwork done - I wonder how I have any left! lol
I'm really trying to get my water in, but again - it's tough to remember sometimes. Not sure why - but I just don't think about it.
Also found out that I have to have another surgery in May. I saw a gynecologist and my uterus is the size of a cantaloupe (ish. 16-18 week pregnant size). It's not cancer - it's fibroids. However, because it's so big and causing pain - out it comes. I wonder if this will change my weight loss speed... find out in June, I guess :D
January 24, 2018
8 weeks post gastric bypass
Weight loss is still continuing. It's not as fast as I want, but it's still averaging about 10lbs a month, which is okay with me.
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 244 lbs
change from last post: -14
Measurements
Hips 49'
Waist 42'
Bust 44'
Still really struggling to hit 900 calories a day. I hit 1000 once. Honestly, this goes against everything I know about dieting and weight loss. It was always "eat less, lower calories" - so it's a huge mindset shift.
No hunger whatsoever. I feel a gurgle sometimes, but it's definitely no hunger.
Not exercising yet - with my calories so low, it's just counterproductive. Once I'm consistently above 1000, then I'll start more than just gentle walking
The bariatric chill is real! I go to bed, and my nose is ice cold. I'm actually under blankets now -I used to have just the sheet, maybe.
My old clothes started falling off of me, so I went shopping. Penningtons had a 60% of the sale price event, so off I went. I'm in a 1x/x. I've not been this small since I was 16!!! I'm thrilled, and knowing that I'll probably fit regular clothes soon ...is kinda scary. Exciting, but scary!
High Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 244 lbs
change from last post: -14
Measurements
Hips 49'
Waist 42'
Bust 44'
Still really struggling to hit 900 calories a day. I hit 1000 once. Honestly, this goes against everything I know about dieting and weight loss. It was always "eat less, lower calories" - so it's a huge mindset shift.
No hunger whatsoever. I feel a gurgle sometimes, but it's definitely no hunger.
Not exercising yet - with my calories so low, it's just counterproductive. Once I'm consistently above 1000, then I'll start more than just gentle walking
The bariatric chill is real! I go to bed, and my nose is ice cold. I'm actually under blankets now -I used to have just the sheet, maybe.
My old clothes started falling off of me, so I went shopping. Penningtons had a 60% of the sale price event, so off I went. I'm in a 1x/x. I've not been this small since I was 16!!! I'm thrilled, and knowing that I'll probably fit regular clothes soon ...is kinda scary. Exciting, but scary!
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