June 18, 2023

 Happy Fathers day, dad. I miss you.

so, got the new place, and it vibrates too.  EVERYWHERE vibrates.  Like, I'm in the car in a parking lot and I feel vibration.  I can't get away from it, for even a few minutes.

which means - it's me.  It's my ears, again.  This place is better, and I should adjust - but come on man.  I'm getting really, really tired of this.

as I scream into the ether - FUCK YOU UNIVERSE.  You've STILL not answered what the hell I did to deserve this.  

I guess I'm going to be having a third surgery to try and fix this - because this isn't sustainable.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't adjust.  My anxiety is out of control, and I can't take too many meds because they're addictive.  

think good thoughts for me, would you? by the time my appt with my ENT comes along, I'm likely to be very, very sick from this :( 

It's been a long time, and I really have no excuse. May 31, 2023

 I've not been all that busy, but I really didn't have much to say - so I didn't.

Covid is still a thing, I'm still wearing masks, and I once again need to scream into the ether.

Why am I being punished? What the HELL did I do to deserve this? I finally found what I thought was a great new place. NOPE.  It vibrates. all day, all night.  I can't get away from it, and it never ends.  

I'm going mad.  I'm trying to get out, but of course - delays.  I was hoping to hear today about a new place (again) but nope.  I'm tired.

I can't even. I'm done.  I'm tired.  I can't "be strong" and "resilient" anymore.  

I just want some peace.  no motorcycles, no vibrations, no noise.  Why?  WHY can't I have that? 

I can't eat

I can't sleep

and I can't function properly.  I've lost over 10lbs in 2ish weeks. 

Dear universe, it's time.  I've been asking...and now, I'm desperate. I'm DEMANDING - either a giant lottery win or a proper place that I can live without pain.

Nov 9, 2021

 It's been over a year since I posted anything.

not sure why, but maybe because I didn't want to see some of it in writing?

Anyway, my bounceback appears to be over.  it's a lot more than I expected, over 30lbs, and I'm frustrated and angry about it.  No matter how much exercise I do, it's not going back down.  This is why I had the bypass in the first place, but I'm now working on accepting the "new" weight.

I had the candy cane limb removed in January, and all seemed well - until this week.  I've been having sharp pains on the left again. I should be having a follow up with my surgeon soon (maybe? fucking covid) and I'll ask there.

on a personal note, I'm looking to move.  my building refuses to do anything about the bitch above me, even though she's harassing me, and her fucking dog barks is head off at all hours.  

I don't know if I CAN move though - my credit is still awful after a bankruptcy almost 10 years ago now (it sticks around, and banks refuse to even discuss anything because of it)