weight is stable-ish between 175-180.
I still fight to eat more than 1200 calories a day.
Am now waiting for my 24 month follow up appt.
November 18, 2019
Oct 22, 2019 - 23 months post gastric bypass
Everything has leveled out.
weight is stable-ish between 175-180.
I still fight to eat more than 1200 calories a day.
Am now waiting for my 24 month follow up appt.
weight is stable-ish between 175-180.
I still fight to eat more than 1200 calories a day.
Am now waiting for my 24 month follow up appt.
October 15, 2019
Oct 14, 2019
Yep, I was a mess. I didn't really leave my house unless I had to, and I really just.... existed. Did shopping, etc, but didn't do much for me.
and I'm a bit resentful. Where is everyone asking ME how I'M doing? I know I'm the "strong" one, but for fucks sake - it would be nice if someone checked on me and let me lean on them for a while.
I'm just... tired. I'm always the caregiver, always the one who has to do the running, pay bills, etc. I know that it's on me, because my husband is disabled, but... just once... could someone do something nice for me, that ISN'T me?
Even just a "hey, how are you doing today? I've been thinking of you".
*sigh*
yeah, that's not gonna happen. Everyone assumes I'm okay, because I usually am. Soon, though, I'm not going to be ok. and it's going to be ugly.
on another note - the election for Canada's PM is this week. I know that many are going to vote for the new right wing party the "CPC". And that means I'm fucked. They're everything that is bad for people like me - you know, someone with disabilities who isn't rich and productive. They're going to slash health care, services, and taxes for the rich and then cry poverty for those of us who need the support of health care and those services slashed.
You can always tell who has had a pretty privileged upbringing, who hasn't had to struggle and rely on "social services" - they vote CPC. People like me, who've struggled and lived on eggs for months usually vote Liberal or NDP. and it's sad.
I just hope that any friends I have never tell me the voted for the CPC, because I don't know that I'd be able to be friends with them any more - they voted for a party that puts the rich ahead of everyone, and deny climate change, and think that anyone who's not white is bad. Very similar to the orange menace in the USA right now.
and while they say they do not think that way, voting for someone like that tells me that maybe....just maybe .... they do. and I can't in good conscience associate with people like that. it's just wrong.
and I'm a bit resentful. Where is everyone asking ME how I'M doing? I know I'm the "strong" one, but for fucks sake - it would be nice if someone checked on me and let me lean on them for a while.
I'm just... tired. I'm always the caregiver, always the one who has to do the running, pay bills, etc. I know that it's on me, because my husband is disabled, but... just once... could someone do something nice for me, that ISN'T me?
Even just a "hey, how are you doing today? I've been thinking of you".
*sigh*
yeah, that's not gonna happen. Everyone assumes I'm okay, because I usually am. Soon, though, I'm not going to be ok. and it's going to be ugly.
on another note - the election for Canada's PM is this week. I know that many are going to vote for the new right wing party the "CPC". And that means I'm fucked. They're everything that is bad for people like me - you know, someone with disabilities who isn't rich and productive. They're going to slash health care, services, and taxes for the rich and then cry poverty for those of us who need the support of health care and those services slashed.
You can always tell who has had a pretty privileged upbringing, who hasn't had to struggle and rely on "social services" - they vote CPC. People like me, who've struggled and lived on eggs for months usually vote Liberal or NDP. and it's sad.
I just hope that any friends I have never tell me the voted for the CPC, because I don't know that I'd be able to be friends with them any more - they voted for a party that puts the rich ahead of everyone, and deny climate change, and think that anyone who's not white is bad. Very similar to the orange menace in the USA right now.
and while they say they do not think that way, voting for someone like that tells me that maybe....just maybe .... they do. and I can't in good conscience associate with people like that. it's just wrong.
August 28, 2019
Hello labour day... I fucking hate you.
as the summer comes to a close, and Labour day approaches, I'm finding that I'm struggling. A lot.
It was bad enough that labour day started the horrible journey of discover, chemo, and death for my mother... now add, my Tabby died on Aug 22, 2017, and then my dad, very suddenly on Sept 18, and then Oct 14 is mom's anniversary. I'm going to be a horrible mess for a while. *sigh*
It was bad enough that labour day started the horrible journey of discover, chemo, and death for my mother... now add, my Tabby died on Aug 22, 2017, and then my dad, very suddenly on Sept 18, and then Oct 14 is mom's anniversary. I'm going to be a horrible mess for a while. *sigh*
Aug 28, 2019 - 21 months post Gastric Bypass
Really not much to report.
Still don't feel hungry, weight appears to have stabilized *sigh* I was hoping for a few more, but it is what it is. I was trying to up my calories to above 1500 a day - but I just can't. It's too much - I feel sick when I do it.
Working on getting in resistance training - we'll see how that goes.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 174.4
change from last: 0
total weight lost: 163ish lbs from highest weight. I KNOW I should be ecstatic, but... *sigh* fat brain is still in gear. Working hard to fight it.
In my support group, they say that EVERYONE gains about 10% of the lost weight back after about 2 years due to rebound. I think I'll lose my mind if that happens. We'll see.
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39
Still don't feel hungry, weight appears to have stabilized *sigh* I was hoping for a few more, but it is what it is. I was trying to up my calories to above 1500 a day - but I just can't. It's too much - I feel sick when I do it.
Working on getting in resistance training - we'll see how that goes.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 174.4
change from last: 0
total weight lost: 163ish lbs from highest weight. I KNOW I should be ecstatic, but... *sigh* fat brain is still in gear. Working hard to fight it.
In my support group, they say that EVERYONE gains about 10% of the lost weight back after about 2 years due to rebound. I think I'll lose my mind if that happens. We'll see.
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39
April 21, 2019
April 21, 2019 - 17 months post gastric bypass (Happy Easter)
I've upped my calories, and seem to be losing weight again. I tell ya, seeing the "1500" calorie mark makes me nervous, every single time. After being fat since I was 12, and HUGE since I was 17, I'm so used to restricting calories that it's second nature (when I'm dieting).
Changing the mindset from "fat" brain to "skinny" brain is really, really, really hard. Not being able to eat wheat helps - no donuts, no cake, nothing really sweet - it causes a huge stomach ache. It's not worth it!
I also find I don't crave anything any more, along with not getting hungry. I know that will change as time goes on - and I'm okay with that.
I allow myself to eat whatever I want, but in a tiny portion. It works well.
I still use a small plate and fork, and try to wait 30 seconds between bites. Sometimes I still eat fast, but my stomach lets me know that it's NOT COOL and I slow down.
Other than that, not much to report.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 174.4
change from last: -2.6
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
Changing the mindset from "fat" brain to "skinny" brain is really, really, really hard. Not being able to eat wheat helps - no donuts, no cake, nothing really sweet - it causes a huge stomach ache. It's not worth it!
I also find I don't crave anything any more, along with not getting hungry. I know that will change as time goes on - and I'm okay with that.
I allow myself to eat whatever I want, but in a tiny portion. It works well.
I still use a small plate and fork, and try to wait 30 seconds between bites. Sometimes I still eat fast, but my stomach lets me know that it's NOT COOL and I slow down.
Other than that, not much to report.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 174.4
change from last: -2.6
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
A small breakthrough
I was on Facebook the other day, and there was one of those buzzfeed things, and it said "people who tested a high IQ, what event happened that told you, you were average" or something like that.
It was like a freaking light bulb burst above my head.
I was put into a "gifted" program at 11/12. It was for the whole school, which included grade 7 and 8. I was in grade 5 and some of 6.
I remember the day I "gave up" on it - I walked into the program room, and on the board was "Compare and contrast, War and Peace. 4 page essay". I was in grade 6 - we hadn't learned essays yet. I asked, and was told "you're smart, figure it out". I stopped going then. I was stupid, I was a failure. I was also not a tiny person, not really FAT, but still - bigger than most of the girls in the school
So, not only was I failure... I was fat failure. (this is also when my father left my mother for another woman - so it was a very stressful time of my life)
Ever since then, I've had the "well, I'll try but I expect it to fail. if it doesn't, great. if it does, I knew it" attitude.
Grade 7, I barely passed any of my subjects. Why bother? I'm stupid, can't learn, etc.
Being unable to grasp french in grade 9, failed again, stupid.
Even my freaking gastric bypass - I expected it to fail. That I wouldn't lose more than 20lbs. I am absolutely flabbergasted that I've lost the weight. Of course, I still expect to fail - gain it all back because I'm a failure.
I'm working on that with my therapist. This is a HUGE thing....and it is going to take time to digest/deal with. However, it is something I CAN work on, and stop the "failure" mindset. Imagine what I could do without it!
I hid it well from a lot of people - I mentioned it to HRB, and she was surprised that I had that attitude.
Be kind to yourself, everyone. If you wouldn't say it to a loved one, don't say it to yourself.
It was like a freaking light bulb burst above my head.
I was put into a "gifted" program at 11/12. It was for the whole school, which included grade 7 and 8. I was in grade 5 and some of 6.
I remember the day I "gave up" on it - I walked into the program room, and on the board was "Compare and contrast, War and Peace. 4 page essay". I was in grade 6 - we hadn't learned essays yet. I asked, and was told "you're smart, figure it out". I stopped going then. I was stupid, I was a failure. I was also not a tiny person, not really FAT, but still - bigger than most of the girls in the school
So, not only was I failure... I was fat failure. (this is also when my father left my mother for another woman - so it was a very stressful time of my life)
Ever since then, I've had the "well, I'll try but I expect it to fail. if it doesn't, great. if it does, I knew it" attitude.
Grade 7, I barely passed any of my subjects. Why bother? I'm stupid, can't learn, etc.
Being unable to grasp french in grade 9, failed again, stupid.
Even my freaking gastric bypass - I expected it to fail. That I wouldn't lose more than 20lbs. I am absolutely flabbergasted that I've lost the weight. Of course, I still expect to fail - gain it all back because I'm a failure.
I'm working on that with my therapist. This is a HUGE thing....and it is going to take time to digest/deal with. However, it is something I CAN work on, and stop the "failure" mindset. Imagine what I could do without it!
I hid it well from a lot of people - I mentioned it to HRB, and she was surprised that I had that attitude.
Be kind to yourself, everyone. If you wouldn't say it to a loved one, don't say it to yourself.
March 22 - 16 Months post gastric bypass
Nothing much to report.
I spoke with the dietitian and the therapist at the bariatric program.
The dietitian gave me a calorie range, and yep - it's supposed to be closer to 1500 a day. *breathes into paper bag* I'll try.
the therapist was really nice, and helped me talk through my worries about gaining the weight back, and the pressure I feel to lose more. I hope I can get over this - it's not healthy at all.
No weight change - as expected. I think I'm almost where I'll stay - but everyone in my group keeps saying "but you gain back 10-15 lbs after 2 years" - and that is freaking me out!
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177
change from last: 0
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
I spoke with the dietitian and the therapist at the bariatric program.
The dietitian gave me a calorie range, and yep - it's supposed to be closer to 1500 a day. *breathes into paper bag* I'll try.
the therapist was really nice, and helped me talk through my worries about gaining the weight back, and the pressure I feel to lose more. I hope I can get over this - it's not healthy at all.
No weight change - as expected. I think I'm almost where I'll stay - but everyone in my group keeps saying "but you gain back 10-15 lbs after 2 years" - and that is freaking me out!
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177
change from last: 0
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
February 25, 2019
I know I have abandonment issues
but being ignored and shoved to the side when you have "new" friends is not my imagination.
I'm supposed to visit soon, and I'm wondering if you even want me to. You don't answer when I call, don't even acknowledge it, and you don't call me. I know I'm still in the grip of grief, but this isn't helping.
I'm going to pull back, because I don't need/want the hurt any more.
and it fucking hurts. I know you have a life, and that I'm only a fringe of it right now. Intellectually, I know it will pass and that I'm important to you - but emotionally, I feel adrift and alone. I'm sad. I'm lonely, and no one ever reaches out to me. It's always me reaching out... and I'm tired. tired of always being the one who reaches out.... do I even matter to anyone any more?
I'm supposed to visit soon, and I'm wondering if you even want me to. You don't answer when I call, don't even acknowledge it, and you don't call me. I know I'm still in the grip of grief, but this isn't helping.
I'm going to pull back, because I don't need/want the hurt any more.
and it fucking hurts. I know you have a life, and that I'm only a fringe of it right now. Intellectually, I know it will pass and that I'm important to you - but emotionally, I feel adrift and alone. I'm sad. I'm lonely, and no one ever reaches out to me. It's always me reaching out... and I'm tired. tired of always being the one who reaches out.... do I even matter to anyone any more?
Feb 22, 2019 - 15 Months post gastric bypass
Not too much to report.
Still having a lot of issues with calories - as in getting enough. When I hit 1000, I start to panic a bit. I'm so terrified of gaining weight back, I'm not eating enough. I'm going to have to talk to the dietitian and therapist at the clinic, I think. I know I should be closer to 1600 a day, and getting to 1200 is a struggle.
Wheat and wheat products continue to be an issue. I cannot eat them without pain, so I'm avoiding them for the most part. Made the mistake of having a few timbits today - I still feel nauseated.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177
change from last: -.8
I've lost over 160lbs, and I still feel "pressure" to lose more. Why is this???
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
Still having a lot of issues with calories - as in getting enough. When I hit 1000, I start to panic a bit. I'm so terrified of gaining weight back, I'm not eating enough. I'm going to have to talk to the dietitian and therapist at the clinic, I think. I know I should be closer to 1600 a day, and getting to 1200 is a struggle.
Wheat and wheat products continue to be an issue. I cannot eat them without pain, so I'm avoiding them for the most part. Made the mistake of having a few timbits today - I still feel nauseated.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177
change from last: -.8
I've lost over 160lbs, and I still feel "pressure" to lose more. Why is this???
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
January 26, 2019
I'm officially done.... kinda
I'm done denying the following statement:
Moving to Winnipeg was the biggest mistake of my life. I thought it would be good for Larry to be here with his family, because he lost his mom and grandmother within 2 months of each other.
well, it turns out, nope. He should have just taken a leave from his job, come here for a while, then back to Calgary. We rarely see his family like I thought we would. Maybe 4 times a year?
Me? I just lost my dad. I've only got a sister left, and she's in Alberta.
I regret so much not being in Calgary with him. There's almost no photos of me and him.
I regret leaving my sister, because she's going to be all alone now.
I know his wife's family will just...let my sister fall by the wayside. and that's tough.
we lost the house we bought here because Larry couldn't (wouldn't?) find a job, and my income wasn't enough. Larry's had a stroke (5 years ago), because his doctor was an incompetent twat. I'm on disability, probably for the rest of my life - I wonder if there's a surgeon in AB that would have been better for my SCDS? Kodi is on disability for headaches, possibly caused by all the concussions he sustained here.
it's minus 33C right now, and I'm cold.
I've lost all the friends I made through work, because they couldn't be bothered to come visit, or invite me out. I'm a loner, yes, but still would like to get out once in a while.
Yes, I know I have good things in my life. Yes, I know it could be worse. However, grief has me in it's clutches and I'm just wallowing for a while.
Moving to Winnipeg was the biggest mistake of my life. I thought it would be good for Larry to be here with his family, because he lost his mom and grandmother within 2 months of each other.
well, it turns out, nope. He should have just taken a leave from his job, come here for a while, then back to Calgary. We rarely see his family like I thought we would. Maybe 4 times a year?
Me? I just lost my dad. I've only got a sister left, and she's in Alberta.
I regret so much not being in Calgary with him. There's almost no photos of me and him.
I regret leaving my sister, because she's going to be all alone now.
I know his wife's family will just...let my sister fall by the wayside. and that's tough.
we lost the house we bought here because Larry couldn't (wouldn't?) find a job, and my income wasn't enough. Larry's had a stroke (5 years ago), because his doctor was an incompetent twat. I'm on disability, probably for the rest of my life - I wonder if there's a surgeon in AB that would have been better for my SCDS? Kodi is on disability for headaches, possibly caused by all the concussions he sustained here.
it's minus 33C right now, and I'm cold.
I've lost all the friends I made through work, because they couldn't be bothered to come visit, or invite me out. I'm a loner, yes, but still would like to get out once in a while.
Yes, I know I have good things in my life. Yes, I know it could be worse. However, grief has me in it's clutches and I'm just wallowing for a while.
Jan 22, 2019 - 14 months post gastric bypass
Not much to report - scale still moved downward a little, and I'm getting REALLY wrinkly/loose skin now. I wasn't going to do a tummy tuck at first, but if this keeps up - I may have to.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177.8
change from last: -1.6
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
I have now lost both of my cats and my father, in 4 months. I noticed that I was comfort eating a bit - booze filled chocolates! They're gone now, so we'll see what happens. I'm working on dealing with my emotions, but man...there are a lot of them.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177.8
change from last: -1.6
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 35
Bust: 40
I have now lost both of my cats and my father, in 4 months. I noticed that I was comfort eating a bit - booze filled chocolates! They're gone now, so we'll see what happens. I'm working on dealing with my emotions, but man...there are a lot of them.
January 1, 2019
2019.... Happy New Year, I guess
as I slowly walk in to 2019, I wonder to myself - what's the point?
it's not like it's going to be any better than 2018, except that I don't have pets to take away any more.
I'm still going to live in an apartment below a cunt who won't turn her TV down, no matter how many times the building asks her to. And they won't do anything about it.
I'm still going to be disabled.
I'm still going to be a caregiver to someone who doesn't appreciate it.
I'm still not going to be able to afford anything, because prices go up but my income doesn't.
I'm still going to be thousands of KM away from some family and friends.
I'm still going to have a son who's in pain 24/7, and has a rotten claim adjuster/administrator.
I'm still going to have to deal with the sudden loss of my father, which has kicked my ass.
I've been so positive for so long, and everything is still shit.
yes, I have a roof over my head and food on the table, so I know it could be worse. I get it.
and yet.... I still wonder.... what's the point of it all? why am I not allowed to be happy for more than a short time? why is it that every time I think things are looking up, I get a huge FUCK YOU from ..... the universe, I guess. (There clearly is no god, because my prayers have never been granted)
Last year, I was so optimistic and felt 2018 was going to be great!
HA. Look how that worked out for me - a hysterectomy that left me in agony for 24 hours IN THE HOSPITAL because the doctor thought I was a drug addict and refused adequate meds, both of my cats have died, my father died and therefore any chance of moving out of Manitoba for a long time, my father's wife's family deliberately tried to erase me from his life by having not one mention of me at his celebration of life, I've got a cunt living above me who makes as much noise as she possibly can because she knows about my ear condition, my ear condition is getting worse, and to top it all off I had to use my skin removal surgery money for vet bills. The only good thing that happened to me personally is that I lost weight, and while that's a great feeling, it doesn't make up for all the bad.
I've asked this many times before, and I always get "things will get better" or something like that.
The issue is, it DOESN'T get better. I get a short window, and then all hell breaks loose.
moved away from my family, had a job to come to that ended up being shit, they just dumped my ass because they fucked up projected numbers.
Got a new job, (whew) Lived in a gorgeous house that wasn't too horribly expensive, until the recession happened and I had to sell it because my income didn't cover it. moved into a smaller place, and my cat got sick from it (and they refuse to acknowledge that.). ended up on disability, had to declare bankruptcy because of it. Then, just starting to think about saving for a house - hubby had a stroke, and I had to emergency move to an apartment that was over 50% more than the last place, which was ok for a bit, until thumpy mcbitch moved in. now, I'm stuck here because I have shit credit and can't afford to move, because this place is expensive, but so is every other decent place in the city.
yeah, I'm just whining and complaining here, but this is my blog and no one reads it anyway.
I'm tired.
speaking of tired. I'm tired of always being the one to "try". the one who always reaches out to people. I wonder how long it would take people to notice they hadn't heard from me. Weeks? Months? would they even notice?
no one ever asks me how I'm doing. Not one person from R's family has ever asked me that. Hell, even my sister hasn't really asked me, without me asking her first.
it hurts.
it's like I'm disposable and dispensable, and easily replaced. at least, until someone needs something from me.
maybe I should say fuck it all, run away, and just rot in a small apartment alone.
no one would notice anyway, I don't think. except for maybe my husband and son, and husband only because I live with him and do all the cooking.
no, I'm not going to off myself. I think I'm a masochist, because I keep thinking it'll get better and I look forward to the next day, to see what's going to happen.
yes, I'm going to therapy.
let's hope that 2019 is better than 2018. (I won't say it couldn't be worse, because I know that would mean something bad happening to my husband or son. )
it's not like it's going to be any better than 2018, except that I don't have pets to take away any more.
I'm still going to live in an apartment below a cunt who won't turn her TV down, no matter how many times the building asks her to. And they won't do anything about it.
I'm still going to be disabled.
I'm still going to be a caregiver to someone who doesn't appreciate it.
I'm still not going to be able to afford anything, because prices go up but my income doesn't.
I'm still going to be thousands of KM away from some family and friends.
I'm still going to have a son who's in pain 24/7, and has a rotten claim adjuster/administrator.
I'm still going to have to deal with the sudden loss of my father, which has kicked my ass.
I've been so positive for so long, and everything is still shit.
yes, I have a roof over my head and food on the table, so I know it could be worse. I get it.
and yet.... I still wonder.... what's the point of it all? why am I not allowed to be happy for more than a short time? why is it that every time I think things are looking up, I get a huge FUCK YOU from ..... the universe, I guess. (There clearly is no god, because my prayers have never been granted)
Last year, I was so optimistic and felt 2018 was going to be great!
HA. Look how that worked out for me - a hysterectomy that left me in agony for 24 hours IN THE HOSPITAL because the doctor thought I was a drug addict and refused adequate meds, both of my cats have died, my father died and therefore any chance of moving out of Manitoba for a long time, my father's wife's family deliberately tried to erase me from his life by having not one mention of me at his celebration of life, I've got a cunt living above me who makes as much noise as she possibly can because she knows about my ear condition, my ear condition is getting worse, and to top it all off I had to use my skin removal surgery money for vet bills. The only good thing that happened to me personally is that I lost weight, and while that's a great feeling, it doesn't make up for all the bad.
I've asked this many times before, and I always get "things will get better" or something like that.
The issue is, it DOESN'T get better. I get a short window, and then all hell breaks loose.
moved away from my family, had a job to come to that ended up being shit, they just dumped my ass because they fucked up projected numbers.
Got a new job, (whew) Lived in a gorgeous house that wasn't too horribly expensive, until the recession happened and I had to sell it because my income didn't cover it. moved into a smaller place, and my cat got sick from it (and they refuse to acknowledge that.). ended up on disability, had to declare bankruptcy because of it. Then, just starting to think about saving for a house - hubby had a stroke, and I had to emergency move to an apartment that was over 50% more than the last place, which was ok for a bit, until thumpy mcbitch moved in. now, I'm stuck here because I have shit credit and can't afford to move, because this place is expensive, but so is every other decent place in the city.
yeah, I'm just whining and complaining here, but this is my blog and no one reads it anyway.
I'm tired.
speaking of tired. I'm tired of always being the one to "try". the one who always reaches out to people. I wonder how long it would take people to notice they hadn't heard from me. Weeks? Months? would they even notice?
no one ever asks me how I'm doing. Not one person from R's family has ever asked me that. Hell, even my sister hasn't really asked me, without me asking her first.
it hurts.
it's like I'm disposable and dispensable, and easily replaced. at least, until someone needs something from me.
maybe I should say fuck it all, run away, and just rot in a small apartment alone.
no one would notice anyway, I don't think. except for maybe my husband and son, and husband only because I live with him and do all the cooking.
no, I'm not going to off myself. I think I'm a masochist, because I keep thinking it'll get better and I look forward to the next day, to see what's going to happen.
yes, I'm going to therapy.
let's hope that 2019 is better than 2018. (I won't say it couldn't be worse, because I know that would mean something bad happening to my husband or son. )
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