11 months post gastric bypass

Well, it's looking more and more like I'm done with the weight loss.  *sigh*  could I lose more? possibly. 


I saw the surgeon today, and he's really happy with where I'm at.  I'M not, but hey - what can you do? lol   he told me something that I didn't think about - that when you're overweight, your body makes your bones and muscles stronger/heavier than a "normal" person.  he put it "it's like using rebar instead of 2x4" and of course, weighs so much more.   which makes the BMI useless - so I can stop looking at it and going "I"m still so BIG".

I finally found out my referral weight - 146.0 kg (322lbs)

Got a referral to plastics, and the appointment will be sometime in the new year.  I'm 99% sure nothing but the panni will be covered, so I will have to wait until I've got the money saved up for my arms.  the rest of me, I really don't care - but my arms are gross (and I'll end up with horrible rashes if I don't get the skin removed).


Highest Weight  338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight  322
Program Start    311
Surgery Weight  272
Current Weight  187

change: 0 lbs

Total lost since referral: 135
Since program start:     124
from highest weight:     151  

Whoooo...when you put it like that, WOWZA!
Measurements:
Hips: 43
Waist: 35
Bust: 40

I'll still update monthly for a while, and see where I end up.

14 years now....

Dear mom,

it's been 14 years since you left this earth.  14 years since you took your last breath, and over 14 since I've heard you say, with my ears, "have I got a deal for you" with that laugh in your voice. 

Mom, I thought I was getting better at living without you, but I'm really not.  Everything is getting overwhelming, and I don't have anywhere to turn anymore.

Dad died on Sept 18 with no warning whatsoever.  I'd talked to him on his birthday (15th) and we discussed me finding a way to get to the 25th Anniversary celebration he and Ruth had planned on November 10th.

  I told him I'd see what I could do, and then we discussed how I shouldn't get toooo skinny lol.  He had people coming over, so I said goodbye and that I loved him.  and then he was gone.... I'm still in disbelief  - it's not supposed to be like this.  He was supposed to be around for at least 5 (10!) years.  he'd survived colon cancer, was doing great - and we were planning to go to Scotland soon too.  All in ruins, mom.  

I never thought I'd take his death this hard.  I'm not taking it well at all.  

I've lost all direction. I don't know what to do.... I'm just, lost.  I'm existing, and I think that's all I'll do for a while.  I don't know how much more I can take, mom.  Tabby died on Aug 22, Dad Sept 18...what's next?  what else is going to blow up in my face and ruin things? WHY is everything so fucking hard?  Why, just once, can't things to EXACTLY as I need them to, and make my life easier instead of harder?  

I know you don't have answers.  As always, I feel better after venting it out - but I still don't have a clue where I'm going from here. 

I wish you were here.  You're so missed.

Love,
Tracee