Oct 27, 2020

 Had my follow up scope today.  My ulcer is healed, and the limb is still there.

I cannot eat more than a few bites at a time, and there are now many foods that don't agree with me.  It's getting out of hand.

So - since it's causing me issues, it's gotta come out.  I have a follow up on Nov 27 to find out what the next steps are.

Weight is stable. I somehow packed on 10lbs last Feb, but it's not going up. 

I'm still freaking out about it, but ...

Aug 20, 2020 - scope and stuff

 I was right. I needed a scope.  I have a "tiny" ulcer that we're treating with a meltaway antacid, and I also have a "candycane" limb of 9cm. I think that's pretty big, and it's what is causing my vomiting. I may have to have it removed - yay, more fucking surgery. So, I don't eat much at once, and avoid anything that makes me vomit.

Weight is the same, and who knows if it'll ever go down. I'm pretty bummed about that, and I think I've got a bit of depression too. (who am I kidding, I know I do.) I'm cranky, snappy, and being a stubborn ass who isn't reaching out to anyone first. I'm seeing how long it takes for people to notice. 
Probably a long time. I'm the "steady" one. Always there, always waiting... and always lonely. 

____________

And, I have to write a letter here, because I will never send it - but I have to write it or it will make me nuts.

Dear R,

Attached you will find a key.  Dad gave me that key over 20 years ago, and said his door was always open. Well, he's passed on now, and it is now clear that that door is no longer available to me.

I had an inkling at his celebration of life, when not one photo of myself or my sister were in the photo tribute - and that every one of "your" family made a small video saying goodbye. We weren't even asked. We were relegated to the corner, instead of the "head" table. 

Then, Christmas came along and J decided that sister wasn't "able" to handle dinner at her house, and didn't even bother to tell her.  The reasoning was sound I guess, but we all know it was just a way to exclude her.  

It's been 2 of my birthdays since, and not once have you or J, or anyone, called and wished me happy birthday. Hell, you couldn't even post it on my timeline on FB. I made it a point, even when dad was alive, to call you on YOUR birthday, because he always made such a big deal of his.

On the one year anniversary of dad's death, you went out of the country.  Sister and I were left to deal by ourselves, with over 1500km between us. Not one person reached out that day.  He was my FUCKING FATHER, and NOT ONE OF YOU could reach out to me. 

I've always been "dad's daughter", but I truly didn't realize just how much everyone meant that.  Now that he's gone, I think it's time that I stop deluding myself that you're "family" and just... stop trying. I'm sure you won't even notice, except that I'm not pestering you any more.

I hope for sisters sake you keep her in the family, and help her out. she does need a bit of help, and I'm far away. 

He was a better man after he met you, but it seems that all that kindness you gave him doesn't extend to his children, just yours. So, thank you.

and good bye. 

___________________________

I'm too damn young to have lost both of my parents already.  and now, I've lost most of my "family" too. 

this sucks. 

July 20, 2020

Warning: this is a vent.
so, leave if you don't wanna read about it.

Yesterday was my birthday. Of course, with the pandemic going on, we didn't do much. I got take out for supper, and we watched a WWE event that was on.  You can tell they're hurting for wrestlers who will take the risk, because you don't see a whole lot of them right now. Same ones over and over, and it's getting...boring.

I got a lot of people on my FB wishing me happy birthday, which was great - but there was a glaring, gaping lack that I noticed.
my "step" family - not ONE said happy birthday in any way, shape or form. I'm not gonna lie - I'm a bit hurt about that.  I mean, yeah, I was just "dad's daughter" but they were in my life for almost 25 years!  I guess I should have expected it with how they treated my sister and I at my dad's celebration of life.
I'm tired of always being the one to "reach out" to everyone.  family and friends - it's almost always me asking how they're doing, instead of the other way around. 

*sigh* I don't know what I'm going to do about it, but I'll think of something.

My weight hasn't changed, which is good. I think I need a scope - food feels like it's 'stuck' sometimes, and I've vomited more in the past month than I have in the past 10 years. It sucks. I'll be calling my surgeons office today and seeing what they say.
This blows. *sigh*
I think I'm a bit depressed, but we'll see. Of course, the therapist I used to see at my doctors office has left that place, with no replacement set up.  *sigh* again.

Welcome to the new normal

Did not end up moving in the building - the suite that was coming available, didn't.  the people in it, like me, were just too leery of moving during a pandemic. 
So, I stay where I'm at.
of course the wench upstairs is still refusing to be considerate. And now, her neighbour is getting in on the act.  They like what's called "house music"... basically a lot of bass and no substance.  Which they play LOUD, and echoes into my unit. I feel bad for my neighbour - it's even worse for her.

K saw thumpy mcbitch, and agreed - she looks like one. :P 

I think the stress of the pandemic has caused my metabolism to go wonky. I've put on like 7 lbs with absolutely no change to my eating habits. Grrrr.  I still have to work hard to hit 1300 calories - WTF?? I will admit, I'm freaking out a bit.

I'm changing things up - some days are low, some days I ensure they're "high" - let's see if that helps anything. 

Other than that, not much to report.  If you follow me on FB, I've been "blogging"  there as well - just  daily thoughts and updates.

March 21, 2020

holy crap this COVID-19 is a scary thing.

It really hasn't impacted me a whole lot yet - just more handwashing, really.  I already am social distanced, for the most part - I don't go out much except doctors and groceries anyway.

The only issue is my massage and chiro were cancelled - and man, do I need an adjustment! My neck is pretty sore. first world problems, eh?

Of course, with everything shut down, thumpy mcbitch is home and blasting her fucking TV ALL DAY AND NIGHT.  Management won't do anything, so I'm stuck with a massive headache all the time.  I was supposed to look at a suite and maybe move in building, but this virus has me very leary of doing it. It's just dangerous.

Jan 2020

Happy New Year!

still not much change, had my follow up with my bariatric surgeon.
They're happy with where my weight is, and I should be done the "bounce back" now.  I'm at 182, and I'm not really happy with that, but as long as it doesn't go up any more - I'll manage. 

Still have to think about eating or I forget, then I get the shakes.  it's not all that fun, that's for sure.

Nov 22, 2019

Not much change
Still waiting on my 2 year follow up