I was right. I needed a scope. I have a "tiny" ulcer that we're treating with a meltaway antacid, and I also have a "candycane" limb of 9cm. I think that's pretty big, and it's what is causing my vomiting. I may have to have it removed - yay, more fucking surgery. So, I don't eat much at once, and avoid anything that makes me vomit.
Weight is the same, and who knows if it'll ever go down. I'm pretty bummed about that, and I think I've got a bit of depression too. (who am I kidding, I know I do.) I'm cranky, snappy, and being a stubborn ass who isn't reaching out to anyone first. I'm seeing how long it takes for people to notice.
Probably a long time. I'm the "steady" one. Always there, always waiting... and always lonely.
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And, I have to write a letter here, because I will never send it - but I have to write it or it will make me nuts.
Dear R,
Attached you will find a key. Dad gave me that key over 20 years ago, and said his door was always open. Well, he's passed on now, and it is now clear that that door is no longer available to me.
I had an inkling at his celebration of life, when not one photo of myself or my sister were in the photo tribute - and that every one of "your" family made a small video saying goodbye. We weren't even asked. We were relegated to the corner, instead of the "head" table.
Then, Christmas came along and J decided that sister wasn't "able" to handle dinner at her house, and didn't even bother to tell her. The reasoning was sound I guess, but we all know it was just a way to exclude her.
It's been 2 of my birthdays since, and not once have you or J, or anyone, called and wished me happy birthday. Hell, you couldn't even post it on my timeline on FB. I made it a point, even when dad was alive, to call you on YOUR birthday, because he always made such a big deal of his.
On the one year anniversary of dad's death, you went out of the country. Sister and I were left to deal by ourselves, with over 1500km between us. Not one person reached out that day. He was my FUCKING FATHER, and NOT ONE OF YOU could reach out to me.
I've always been "dad's daughter", but I truly didn't realize just how much everyone meant that. Now that he's gone, I think it's time that I stop deluding myself that you're "family" and just... stop trying. I'm sure you won't even notice, except that I'm not pestering you any more.
I hope for sisters sake you keep her in the family, and help her out. she does need a bit of help, and I'm far away.
He was a better man after he met you, but it seems that all that kindness you gave him doesn't extend to his children, just yours. So, thank you.
and good bye.
___________________________
I'm too damn young to have lost both of my parents already. and now, I've lost most of my "family" too.
this sucks.
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