I've upped my calories, and seem to be losing weight again. I tell ya, seeing the "1500" calorie mark makes me nervous, every single time. After being fat since I was 12, and HUGE since I was 17, I'm so used to restricting calories that it's second nature (when I'm dieting).
Changing the mindset from "fat" brain to "skinny" brain is really, really, really hard. Not being able to eat wheat helps - no donuts, no cake, nothing really sweet - it causes a huge stomach ache. It's not worth it!
I also find I don't crave anything any more, along with not getting hungry. I know that will change as time goes on - and I'm okay with that.
I allow myself to eat whatever I want, but in a tiny portion. It works well.
I still use a small plate and fork, and try to wait 30 seconds between bites. Sometimes I still eat fast, but my stomach lets me know that it's NOT COOL and I slow down.
Other than that, not much to report.
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 174.4
change from last: -2.6
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
April 21, 2019
A small breakthrough
I was on Facebook the other day, and there was one of those buzzfeed things, and it said "people who tested a high IQ, what event happened that told you, you were average" or something like that.
It was like a freaking light bulb burst above my head.
I was put into a "gifted" program at 11/12. It was for the whole school, which included grade 7 and 8. I was in grade 5 and some of 6.
I remember the day I "gave up" on it - I walked into the program room, and on the board was "Compare and contrast, War and Peace. 4 page essay". I was in grade 6 - we hadn't learned essays yet. I asked, and was told "you're smart, figure it out". I stopped going then. I was stupid, I was a failure. I was also not a tiny person, not really FAT, but still - bigger than most of the girls in the school
So, not only was I failure... I was fat failure. (this is also when my father left my mother for another woman - so it was a very stressful time of my life)
Ever since then, I've had the "well, I'll try but I expect it to fail. if it doesn't, great. if it does, I knew it" attitude.
Grade 7, I barely passed any of my subjects. Why bother? I'm stupid, can't learn, etc.
Being unable to grasp french in grade 9, failed again, stupid.
Even my freaking gastric bypass - I expected it to fail. That I wouldn't lose more than 20lbs. I am absolutely flabbergasted that I've lost the weight. Of course, I still expect to fail - gain it all back because I'm a failure.
I'm working on that with my therapist. This is a HUGE thing....and it is going to take time to digest/deal with. However, it is something I CAN work on, and stop the "failure" mindset. Imagine what I could do without it!
I hid it well from a lot of people - I mentioned it to HRB, and she was surprised that I had that attitude.
Be kind to yourself, everyone. If you wouldn't say it to a loved one, don't say it to yourself.
It was like a freaking light bulb burst above my head.
I was put into a "gifted" program at 11/12. It was for the whole school, which included grade 7 and 8. I was in grade 5 and some of 6.
I remember the day I "gave up" on it - I walked into the program room, and on the board was "Compare and contrast, War and Peace. 4 page essay". I was in grade 6 - we hadn't learned essays yet. I asked, and was told "you're smart, figure it out". I stopped going then. I was stupid, I was a failure. I was also not a tiny person, not really FAT, but still - bigger than most of the girls in the school
So, not only was I failure... I was fat failure. (this is also when my father left my mother for another woman - so it was a very stressful time of my life)
Ever since then, I've had the "well, I'll try but I expect it to fail. if it doesn't, great. if it does, I knew it" attitude.
Grade 7, I barely passed any of my subjects. Why bother? I'm stupid, can't learn, etc.
Being unable to grasp french in grade 9, failed again, stupid.
Even my freaking gastric bypass - I expected it to fail. That I wouldn't lose more than 20lbs. I am absolutely flabbergasted that I've lost the weight. Of course, I still expect to fail - gain it all back because I'm a failure.
I'm working on that with my therapist. This is a HUGE thing....and it is going to take time to digest/deal with. However, it is something I CAN work on, and stop the "failure" mindset. Imagine what I could do without it!
I hid it well from a lot of people - I mentioned it to HRB, and she was surprised that I had that attitude.
Be kind to yourself, everyone. If you wouldn't say it to a loved one, don't say it to yourself.
March 22 - 16 Months post gastric bypass
Nothing much to report.
I spoke with the dietitian and the therapist at the bariatric program.
The dietitian gave me a calorie range, and yep - it's supposed to be closer to 1500 a day. *breathes into paper bag* I'll try.
the therapist was really nice, and helped me talk through my worries about gaining the weight back, and the pressure I feel to lose more. I hope I can get over this - it's not healthy at all.
No weight change - as expected. I think I'm almost where I'll stay - but everyone in my group keeps saying "but you gain back 10-15 lbs after 2 years" - and that is freaking me out!
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177
change from last: 0
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
I spoke with the dietitian and the therapist at the bariatric program.
The dietitian gave me a calorie range, and yep - it's supposed to be closer to 1500 a day. *breathes into paper bag* I'll try.
the therapist was really nice, and helped me talk through my worries about gaining the weight back, and the pressure I feel to lose more. I hope I can get over this - it's not healthy at all.
No weight change - as expected. I think I'm almost where I'll stay - but everyone in my group keeps saying "but you gain back 10-15 lbs after 2 years" - and that is freaking me out!
Highest Weight 338 lbs (best estimate)
Referral Weight 322
Program Start 311
Surgery Weight 272
Current Weight 177
change from last: 0
Measurements:
Hips: 42
Waist: 34-35
Bust: 39 (bye bye boobs. sigh)
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