I was on Facebook the other day, and there was one of those buzzfeed things, and it said "people who tested a high IQ, what event happened that told you, you were average" or something like that.
It was like a freaking light bulb burst above my head.
I was put into a "gifted" program at 11/12. It was for the whole school, which included grade 7 and 8. I was in grade 5 and some of 6.
I remember the day I "gave up" on it - I walked into the program room, and on the board was "Compare and contrast, War and Peace. 4 page essay". I was in grade 6 - we hadn't learned essays yet. I asked, and was told "you're smart, figure it out". I stopped going then. I was stupid, I was a failure. I was also not a tiny person, not really FAT, but still - bigger than most of the girls in the school
So, not only was I failure... I was fat failure. (this is also when my father left my mother for another woman - so it was a very stressful time of my life)
Ever since then, I've had the "well, I'll try but I expect it to fail. if it doesn't, great. if it does, I knew it" attitude.
Grade 7, I barely passed any of my subjects. Why bother? I'm stupid, can't learn, etc.
Being unable to grasp french in grade 9, failed again, stupid.
Even my freaking gastric bypass - I expected it to fail. That I wouldn't lose more than 20lbs. I am absolutely flabbergasted that I've lost the weight. Of course, I still expect to fail - gain it all back because I'm a failure.
I'm working on that with my therapist. This is a HUGE thing....and it is going to take time to digest/deal with. However, it is something I CAN work on, and stop the "failure" mindset. Imagine what I could do without it!
I hid it well from a lot of people - I mentioned it to HRB, and she was surprised that I had that attitude.
Be kind to yourself, everyone. If you wouldn't say it to a loved one, don't say it to yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment