this one is shit.
it's gonna be long, whiny and probably incoherent.
The day after my update (Aug 22, 2018), my teeny, tiny Tabby crashed and I had to let her go. 4 hours before my flight, I was at the vet saying goodbye to her. She was over 17 years old, and had been failing for a while, but still - it was a bit of a shock that it was so early. Not even a week prior she was doing "ok" for a kitty with cancer.
My trip was great. I got to spend a week with Crysi, and it was marvellous. We did some shopping, I found a few things that fit (size 14 jeans baby!), and just ...existed. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
On dad's birthday, I knew that I HAD to call him and wish him happy birthday, so I did. I also made a point to tell him I loved him. I didn't know then, WHY I felt it so strongly....until the 18th of September.
I was in the kitchen getting coffee, and noticed a missed call from dad's number. As I was hitting dial, my son was on the line telling me I had to call RUTH right away. Oh no. no no no no.... yes.
My dad had died sometime between midnight and 8 am. Just...went to sleep and didn't wake up. I tell you, I was (still am?) in shock. This isn't how it's supposed to be, dammit. He was supposed to live into his 80s! He was doing so well, too! Cancer was gone, lungs were fairly clear, he was feeling pretty damn good.... He invited me to his 25th wedding anniversary celebration on Nov 10th... and I was trying to figure out how to afford to go. It's now been changed to a celebration of his life.... dad was ALLLL about the big party!
There was a vague plan in the back of my mind about moving back to Calgary, and staying with dad to save up some money for a down payment....well, that's completely gone now. We were supposed to go to Scotland in a couple of years. I will go before I'm 50 if it kills me!
There is no way I can do both the small funeral on the 27th and the celebration of his life in November, so I'm going in November. I bought a dress in Ontario, and I think I'm going to wear it to the celebration. Maybe... I might find a better one. I'm actually going to go shopping for a dress...which I've not done in 10 years.
Ruth won't mean to do it, but I know once the celebration of his life is done (Nov 10, 2018), I probably won't ever hear from her again. I'm "John's daughter" and an outsider. I've been that for over 25 years now, and TBH, I'm okay with that. I refused to allow them to completely shut me out, which is why I went to visit as often as I did. I tell ya, I'm very glad I went this year.
As long as I get anything he left to me (which I doubt is anything.... and that's ok too.) it's all good. She had better not abandon Thea, though. but if she does, I'll do what I can to help Thea from here in Winnipeg.
September fucking sucks. I've not liked it since mom's illness, and now it's even worse. Labour day to Oct 14 can die in a fire for all I care.
I have to say, any faith I had in any god, universe, goddess, whatever has been shattered. I don't know if I'll ever get it back. I'm sitting here waiting for the final shoe to drop, tbh. One more thing to handle. I wonder - will I ever be allowed to just be happy? Every single time I start feeling the littlest bit content, something horrible happens and it just.... ruins it for a long time. Am I supposed to be miserable all my life? am I not allowed the "good" things that seem to happen to everyone else? They say that instead of "why me?" I should be asking "what is this trying to teach me?"... ha. All it's teaching me is that I'm not allowed to be happy. I know I'll snap out of this eventually.... and then more shit will happen. It's a never ending cycle, and I'm really tired of it.
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